I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
