Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
