My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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