His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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