I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
