Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you didnt know i had herpes?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
