Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
