at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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