I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize