Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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