I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
