Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
