i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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