someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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