TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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