Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i now understand why vodka
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
