Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
