no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
