It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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