Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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