I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
