had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
