I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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