My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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