Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
