he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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