I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
