I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
