I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
