I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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