What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
