I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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