Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
