I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
