well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
