Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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