between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
