everyone is single if you try hard enough
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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