I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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