his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
you are never too drunk for berry picking
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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