Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
