i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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