So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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