K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
