i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
