News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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