you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
