I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
