just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
