I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
