so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
