You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
