i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
