I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
