Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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