Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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