Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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