I could make wine with my vomit
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
