so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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